unemployed husband won't do housework

For the last 2 years my wife has barely worked, and complained so much about the couple of extremely part-time jobs shes found that Ive begged her to quit just so I could stop hearing about it. His latest job is through friends and is a small family owned business he has only been there for about 3 months and he is already fighting and having arguments with his coworkers. The real issue is that in a healthy relationship finances are a shared facet of life. And him financially and emotionally abusing you. Women do more than twice as much unpaid care and domestic work as men do, according to the United Nations.. My family consisted of 2 girls and 2 boys. I hope there is a light at the end of the tunnel. My boyfriend (of 3 years) and I just moved as he got accepted to a great university, and he wanted me to come along. Only it has been 8 years and I am 60. While always snarky and witty, he now hates everything. Subscribe me to the GoodTherapy.org public newsletter. what has been the hardest to watch, is his lack of incentive or ambition, and now his fits of rage and defensiveness about the realities of his situation. Cheers to you all. sex is still good but each day I grow more and more out of love. Was supposed to start 3 weeks ago. Yes Im in the boat with other women. We did know too much people in the new place and I tried hard to get any type of work , while my DH busy keeps busy in his volunteer work in a political party. Every single day we fight battles that no man could ever win. Last January, I lost my job of 7 years, he told me to not worried he will make his job search more aggressive, well I had to do temp work after my unemployment benefits ran out, someone had to make money for our family. Ive been homeless twice because of this which is extremely depressing because Ive always worked two jobs. He keeps acting like im so mean for threating this, yet he still doesnt get up and look for a job.. Im getting resentful and angry. He always talks about enjoying life, money is only a tool, blah blah blah but all because he knows I make good money with my job and I have no choice but to support him. The stress of it though has taken its toll on me. This has always been frustrating and unfair, but in the wake of COVID-19, the amount of work that needs to be done around the house has increased substantially with more . Then if needed get a restraining order and he will get the message ASAP. For your own well-being, dont allow yourself or your spouse to fall into these traps. Oh yea and try being supportive when u know they walked out on their job. That all this work and stress Ive been going through was based upon a promise that she broke. We signed a lease together, he was lovely and sweet at that time, looking back probably because I had asked him to move out of my old place where he was only staying as a guest. 3. I suggest we leave our partners and then file for divorce. I am tired of this unemployment of my husband. My husband works periodically, hell go for a few months or 8 at the most and then hell get laid off. We live in a two income age. As Crystal pointed out to you. Did this man ever mature mentally and emotionally beyond the age of 18 to 20? All together about these differences and how this impacts your marriage. He told the guy he was thinking off keeping the business part time so he could also pursue his art! He owned a small carpet cleaning company and did okay with this the first 10 years of our marriage while i worked part-time and raised the babies. Time to be grateful you can support each other. Its not fair to me. Why put her through that for nothing? It has come to a point where , whenever I go to the shopping malls, I feel like a poor person. I had to leave University to be able to work full time to support us, and now Im working too much to be able to study, so Im trapped. And yeah, I can say that because mines unemployed too, but hes the polar opposite of lazy. My efforts to get him to go out, meet people, network have all fallen flat. 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He sits in his room with his collections. Why? I dont make enough to keep our heads above water and its a daily, awful struggle to figure out how to keep lights on, pay the mortgage, have food, clothes, pet food, and the list goes on He is currently under employed and does get paid weekly BUT this job incurs expenses of mileage and car wear and tear. I love your math equation with balanced ratios of income to household labor, like a tidy economic model. Youll often ask yourself why is this person still here-why am I keeping them around when the situation is similar to how it would be if they were gone? What would that solve? Maybe your ex is not the right person for you. At least thats what I think. In short I had become comfortable but my husband was not happy that I was not pulling my weight. I really loved reading your blog. When they arent doing this, they are playing on their computer, laying in bed/sleeping or pretty much generally lazing around morning, noon and night. Yes it is easy to move on by moving out. I am no rocket scientist. For example, Can you make sure the lawn is mowed before the barbeque tomorrow is more likely to get a response. He has turned into a man-child, basically, clinging to me because he has no friends and family in town, glad when I have a day off and wants to spend all his time with me, when I need time to myself! We found out I was pregnant 4 months ago I was a cocktail waitress so I recently had to quit I feel bad bc he has to pay all of my bills. 2 babies, 2 maternity leaves and 2 returns to work! He is looking for work- no luck so far. Be blessed. My heart goes out to Ms. Y and people like her. I saw the loving compliments he said to her and the way he tore me down in comparison to her in his msgs to her. But I have been the sole breadwinner ever since our kids were born. Sorry not sorry papi, You are funny Des and I love the bad arse Americans that just go,come on! I dont want to work either. Can we talk about divvying up some of the stuff on my plate?. Somehow I feel like I have disappeared in his issues and that I could fall flat on my face on his watch without notice. Id have someone paying for half the cost of living rather than paying all the bills for two people (plus more if there are kids). She has a million excuses why she cant or wont find work. But I need to see some progress here. Please help! So, start from the end, my sister was marrying an unemployed person, who was unable to bring money on a reguler basis. Ive been with my husband for about 7 years now. My husband has been in and out of jobs for most of our marriage20 years now. Like hes my kid and Im trying to raise him. I feel for all the ladies that are the bread winners as the husbands get to a stage that they just give up as they cannot get work. If you become single,you may need to give up yr full time work to look after the children. Should I leave or stay with him ? He expects me to cook him a full meal when he does get up and expects me to jump on him for sex every day. I was good student in school but after that due to my hearing problems i was unable to make a good out put in my 10th and 12th i found many difficulties in my path i have never given up. MY DH does some housework but very very slowly so he thinks he does a lot. The grand result of these all? I know that he is bad for me and I know that he should have been out of my life a long time ago, part of me is worried about him being ok which is stupid, but I cant seem to stop that. I dont know, I get that he feels like hes wasting time when hes not job searching but he has all this time to polish his skills to make him a more attractive hire. It is just like a dead knot. He has nowhere to go anymore and he literally has only what I give him. Knowing that my husband naps in the afternoon and does nothing but laze around the house really turns me off him. Im here all the time. now almost 53, extremelely depressed, and unsocially unaccepted. I cook and clean and critiqued for all I do ,, my house is a construction zone with about 10 projects not completed,, theres some hope he may get done training but he doesnt get along well with the other animals .. Its 10 weeks and hell have to play nice , not fight or insult others.. Ive worked thru surgeries and injuries and raised a child ,, Im really done and want to be free if him ,, he says if he completes training and gets work we will split ,, how ironic ,, if he has an income it will be time for him to go ,, of course ! By Drake Baer. i am hurt stressed and angry. he ask me to use my saving its been 10 months of our marriage i have been feeding him and his family. In the last 16 months fortunately for me (not for him) I have achieved a lot professionally and not only has my salary/bonuses gone well, but I also have the opportunity to travel (with work) to exotic/remote locations. Since I loved him, I bought him a car and paid off his ticket and got his license renewed. In other words, your husband cant read your mind. If I kick him out I know he has no where to go, but Im sick of supporting someone who not only doesnt try to better themselves but doesnt appreciate how hard I work to take care of my family. I got tired of this and smacked him silly (dont quote me the violence is unacceptable crap, you werent there). Unfortunately, he is in his 50s and does not have a college degree. I am so sorry the house is not to your liking, perhaps if we were two working men we could have a warmer house? I know its harder than it sounds but you CAN do it. I dont know what to do anymore. Some people think that to get these figures on unemployment, the government uses the number of people collecting unemployment insurance (UI) benefits under state or federal government programs. He lasted just over a month before he stormed out and quit (on a day I wasnt working.) Despite how it can feel at times, you and your family are incredibly strong to have survived a year and a half in the stress of unemployment. My sister went back to work about 6 years into the marriage. I dont know how much longer I can wait! My parents cooked all meals together. The difference now is we are stuck doing ALL of it because of the changes made to society. Ive watched his closest friends from college stop inviting or including him to activities/vacations as he has not been able afford it. This is about you. I understand his position, which is damaging to his self-esteem. I wish I could separate with my DH, but with 2 school kids and a business just starting, it just not easy as difficult to find someone to love and look after my children. I have become very depressed and anxious thanks to him and this relationship and Im slowly starting to feel like it is my fault, not his. If he needs something, tell him youll buy it for him but dont keep giving him spending cash while he refuses to contribute at all. I have a good career, so there was no immediate pressure for her to find employment. I tried to switch jobs. I want to be living and supportive but I canT help but feel resentful having to get up early, work a 40hr week and then hand it all over for bills knowing our debt is mounting because I cant cover all the rent while hes doing God knows what all day. I think he just wants to live on my unemployment which is not enough for rent, bills and food. And I know without me he has nothing, but I also resent that fact. Dont ever let a man suck the life out of you. I feel alone and resentful and frustrated. FYI the law wont help women. Right now, my prayer is to find some type of friend or community or even support group! Ive done had enough of pulling the weight by myself. Partners, it is indeed time to take care of you. Money has a way of bringing certain grievances to light. A lifelong friend of mine allowed us to stay with her n her family till we got on our feet, the drinking was not allowed & he was well aware of that. No problem for me, I keep working. Other friend or people we mix with dont know about the situation and therefore dont say anything and I just keep quiet, its easier that way. The only thing holding me back is my daughter and his relationship and WTF WOULD HE GO?! I dont know what to do. Yes, I buy it for him once a month (legally) and he goes through it in a week. I wish I could enroll my daughter in dancing as she loves to move and wiggle to music but the fees are beyond our budget. Its so frustrating and scary. It is a bit similar as those women abused by their partner and still put up for long term until it reaches the break point of their personal suffering. Our sex became so dry that I literally never wanted to do it. I suspect as does his aunt who works in a mental healthcare facility that he may have bipolar disorder but like I said we cant get him to go see a doctor. If he doesnt that means that he has little to no desire to help and support his wife. It can be done, and is done by others every single day. The last person he spoke to was our 19 year old daughter. Not that them making six million dollars a year would excuse their behavior or make them any more tolerable. The stress is getting to be way too much. That they need to get a job and start contributing financially as soon as is possible. So glad i found this forum. Its a horrible way to think cause I come from divorced parents. Wishing you all the best in 2013 wherever your decision lies. Am I not looking at it from your perspective? Eventually this person is either fired or ends up being laid off in one instance they ended up quitting because they just cant seem to get along with people. Its a tough balance. The reality is that you may have to switch gears and try something new. Im just glad im the worker and Im not him. Jerk.. He said that he enjoyed doing these volunteer work, they did make him feel stress. I am not okay with this after 5 years. It gets me so irritated that when I come home with a paycheck, he laments oh, I just wish I had $20.00 in my wallet. It can get much worse. i have been supportive of my husband for the 3-4 years we been together. He also refused that I have a kid with a donor. He is now 51 and never been unemployed before. 1. That bloody ( favorite aussie swear word) hope that things would get better always sat there but good god the drought will break before that and noone knows when that will happen. This seems so unfair at times yet, all I can do is hold on to faith. I think we are both too smart to be living DIRT POOR. J. I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years we have 2 children together and 2 older children from a previous marriage living with us( they think Im their mom). Do you want your sons to become this type of man? THAT was my issue. I told him that I would not pay his part and he was ok with it. Sounds like this guy doesnt have the passion or the drive to do anything. And to boot, Im seeing men on this board complaining that their women are not working! But here I am and it isnt my fault! So point is ladies, be careful around these types of men. Honestly what kills me the most about all this, is that my husband used to be a leader; responsible, dominant, confident, thought of the little things and took care of things instantly, etc, and now his depression and guilt has turned him into someone who cant even remember to do simple yet important tasks like make a phone call or feven if I write them down for him. I know from your post there is no love from him because why else would you have a thought of taking yourself out?you are in pain and he fails to elevate his manhood and maybe is looking for a free ride. This has also been good because financially I have been able to make sure we wont lose our house. My partner for the last 7yrs cant seem to generate enough loyalty to our relationship to chip in and get it done. Ive always worked always have but due to the nature of my work clients cancel and as I work as self employed I dont get paid when they do. Do you want a clean bedroom more than you care about the dishes being done? you need to keep the house hold chores done, and not half-assed. Its been almost 2 years since he was laid off from his job. If one of you prefers to do chores on the weekend and the other wants to relax, this can lead to anger and resentment from both sides. Physical pain ensued after my father passed away suddenly at the age of 65. My last straw plan is just to explain what I need and see where it goes. he is not interested in sex with me. I know exactly how you feel. Sometimes too much support can lead to learned helplessness it is very difficult to get out of it as you feel so insecure and needy. In the begginingy family didnt accepted our relationship but then I started studying and m boyfriend also. Its not perfect, but its better than it used to be and most important, it allows room for improvement. Perhaps that explains why, for marriages post-1975, men with full-time employment had a 2.5 percent chance of divorcing the following year, compared to unemployed men who had a 3.3 percent risk of divorce. My situation is different than most. After he failed to look for full-time job, I encouraged him to do freelance as well. In the last few months he has threatened to leave a few times and then gone back on what he said and actually moved to a new place with me. I want to see the life in her again but every day she slips just that little bit further out of reach and i get hit just a little harder. He lacks initiative with things around the home but after a bit of reminding and prompting things get done. Remind yourself that that doesnt need to be the track you follow, said Samantha Rodman, a psychologist in North Bethesda, Maryland. Things are back to normal, we are not going backwards financially, and we can now go back to our old ways of holidays and dinners and new clothes. Unlike some of the other comments on her, I know/believe that he is actively looking for work and he doesnt want to be in this situation as much I do. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. Im not talking about the stay-at-home soccer moms who are married to men with executive jobs and 6-figure salaries, Im taking about us working shlubs who get paid hourly and cant live on one salary anymore. I do laundry, cook, clean, watch the kid and our dog. I have to stay strong for myself nowIve decided that to survive, I have to try to look after myself as best as I can. And yet she wants new furniture, better clothes, trips to Hawaii then gives me a hard time for buying a little something off Amazon for myself. The GOP has introduced more than 20 bills targeting drag shows this year alone. Even when he had a job? Lmfao he has no friends, no money, hes too proud to go back to his parents. During the 5th week of therapy, her oncologist increased her dosage, which made my sister sick. I was so confused; cant he see how beaten and broken I am? I worked even although I was ill. The problem is I never agreed to be the only financial provider. I wish I could just quit and pursue my own interests and business ideas but I feel trapped by my obligations to feed her and her ungrateful kid. to help you, youre better off alone. Plus, I still make the same pay since I started, which is near minimum wage. I think about leaving a lot, but what would it really accomplish? Meanwhile, he watches tv, bought a very expensive motorcycle to go joy riding all summer (without discussing it with me), buys expensive scotch, etc like he still has a lucrative job or is independently wealthy. One guy who was supposedly this master salesman couldnt even sell me on why I should give him a chance and I gave him the sell me this pen test and he wasnt even above average with it. Dishes filling up the sink..and complains to me and the kids that no one does anything. I just dont know if hes ever going to find anything again. You have been a tremendous blessing to him, but he has been quite a burden to you. At times like this, its easy to lose faith, cos I feel like this is a punishment from God for me, as I married a non-believer. I have no idea what employers want anymore. women spent 2.6 hours on such activities, while men spent 2.1 hours. DEAR UNEQUAL MARRIAGE: It is really hard when people change the terms of an emotional partnership unilaterally. My wife became unemployed over 15 years ago. In reality, about a third do, down from the divorce surge of the 1970s and 1980s, though second and . :). i finally realized that my husband has been chronically unemployed, because he has a criminal background, he feels that this is what keeps him from getting a full time job. Starting again over here I work 7 days a week as much as I can. I dont think as humans we were meant to constantly be exposed to the same people every minute-second-hour of the day. Physical: Get a massage, exercise, go for a walk, take a hot bath, get regular sleep, dance, play sports, do yoga, paint, draw, sing, arrange flowers, color mandalas, play music, userelaxation techniques, or cook. My advice to you would be to get out of the relationship as fast as possible. Its taking a toll on his health too he cant sleep, hes constantly getting colds, and Im incredibly worried about him. Dump his ass, any guy who truly cared for you and was on the same page is going to work at Walmart and make no bones about it as long as his girl says she respects him and loves him no matter what job he has to take for now. If you decided to carry him for THAT long and hes busy NOT contributing any assistance to the bills, ditch him. "She has offered unfailing positive support," he said. Yet you too have fallen foul of the abusive Y chromosome. Please any advise would help, do i stay and continue this or do i part ways as hard as that would be! But things he does that arent money related actually are. I got so angry. These conversations sadden me so I just dont talk about it with them. I just break down in tears reading these stories. Oh yes, once in a blue moon during their 17-years marriage, my sisters husband earned some free-lancing income. I think you already know your answer. I have no words to describemy husband is unemployed (and has been for nearly 4 years) and it has been the hardest thing ever! The most important thing to remember is its him, its something about his lack of respect for others his employers. I work FT, 40-50 hours a week, and recently failed a part time semester in college while trying for my Associates degree. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. It broke my heart but he went ahead with his plans. I love him with all my heart and I cant imagine life without him, but I dont know what my future with him will be. We dont have any children together but I have three from a 10 year hell. The victim of a lazy cad. He is still unemployed n blaming me for all the failures in his life. SO while all think the spouse are supportive of their spouse that looses a job. Btw, weve been married for over a decade. But, even before the economy sunk so low, I constantly heard when business picks up, when business picks up. Always struggling, and its almost like he is comfortable with being poor. I need to vent. I also had not sold my home in the UK due to the financial crash so still had one leg there. Carolyn Hax readers give advice. Does money play into it at all? The emotional roller coaster we both are on is not new to anyone reading this thread the excitement of job potential, the crushing defeat of not securing the job, the depression and inaction following that defeat. to make food during the night right outside my bedroom door. I have also been seeing a therapist who tells me that I have to look after myself. We argue all the time as I have to ring the bill people asking for more time to pay. I know its for better or for worse, but this isnt fair! I am not sure what to do, except that if he yells that much about me being the problem with his not finding a job, fine. My husband will not cook, as he swears up and down he's terrible at it and I'm much better (I'm not, I only know how to cook 3 things!). I cant believe there are so many others out there like me. If I mute or pause the tv to look or listen to whatever gem he has found, I am a monster.