I once had a teacher with a lazy eye. Explanation: "No joke" has a double meaning here. Is someone being a total dick and youre at a loss for what to say? Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go. Oscar Wilde, 42. ._3-SW6hQX6gXK9G4FM74obr{display:inline-block;vertical-align:text-bottom;width:16px;height:16px;font-size:16px;line-height:16px} Chuck Norris won an arm . Yes, I said. She sells seashells on the seashore. Milton Jones. What did you write in the ad? his wife asks. What are you doing! says the husband. Whats that big brass gong for? asked the friend. @keyframes ibDwUVR1CAykturOgqOS5{0%{transform:rotate(0deg)}to{transform:rotate(1turn)}}._3LwT7hgGcSjmJ7ng7drAuq{--sizePx:0;font-size:4px;position:relative;text-indent:-9999em;border-radius:50%;border:4px solid var(--newCommunityTheme-bodyTextAlpha20);border-left-color:var(--newCommunityTheme-body);transform:translateZ(0);animation:ibDwUVR1CAykturOgqOS5 1.1s linear infinite}._3LwT7hgGcSjmJ7ng7drAuq,._3LwT7hgGcSjmJ7ng7drAuq:after{width:var(--sizePx);height:var(--sizePx)}._3LwT7hgGcSjmJ7ng7drAuq:after{border-radius:50%}._3LwT7hgGcSjmJ7ng7drAuq._2qr28EeyPvBWAsPKl-KuWN{margin:0 auto} A receding hare-line. He tells the priest that on Friday night, hed been in the bar when he met a young woman. George, everyone who sees it there will know what youre doing, she told him in front of their church group. But again the camera flashed. He downs it, leaps off the roofand plummets 15 stories to the ground. It all happened so fast., A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see whos best at his job. Thanks for dating someone ugly after we broke up., 17. I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. 25 of Rik Mayalls greatest quotes Finally, he hollers, Hey! A mother asks her young sons what they want for breakfast. Submitted by Barthelemy Petro. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him., They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. Aye matey.. An officer comes across a man who is clearly under the influence. It can only become stairs.Mitch Hedberg, What I dont like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day. Phyllis Diller. The only reason Im fat is because a tiny body couldnt store all this personality.[Read: How to be funny and make people love your company], 29. ._2FKpII1jz0h6xCAw1kQAvS{background-color:#fff;box-shadow:0 0 0 1px rgba(0,0,0,.1),0 2px 3px 0 rgba(0,0,0,.2);transition:left .15s linear;border-radius:57%;width:57%}._2FKpII1jz0h6xCAw1kQAvS:after{content:"";padding-top:100%;display:block}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2{-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-ms-flex-pack:start;justify-content:flex-start;background-color:var(--newCommunityTheme-navIconFaded10);border:2px solid transparent;border-radius:100px;cursor:pointer;position:relative;width:35px;transition:border-color .15s linear,background-color .15s linear}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._3kUvbpMbR21zJBboDdBH7D{background-color:var(--newRedditTheme-navIconFaded10)}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._3kUvbpMbR21zJBboDdBH7D._1L5kUnhRYhUJ4TkMbOTKkI{background-color:var(--newRedditTheme-active)}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._3kUvbpMbR21zJBboDdBH7D._1L5kUnhRYhUJ4TkMbOTKkI._3clF3xRMqSWmoBQpXv8U5z{background-color:var(--newRedditTheme-buttonAlpha10)}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._1asGWL2_XadHoBuUlNArOq{border-width:2.25px;height:24px;width:37.5px}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._1asGWL2_XadHoBuUlNArOq ._2FKpII1jz0h6xCAw1kQAvS{height:19.5px;width:19.5px}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._1hku5xiXsbqzLmszstPyR3{border-width:3px;height:32px;width:50px}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._1hku5xiXsbqzLmszstPyR3 ._2FKpII1jz0h6xCAw1kQAvS{height:26px;width:26px}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._10hZCcuqkss2sf5UbBMCSD{border-width:3.75px;height:40px;width:62.5px}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._10hZCcuqkss2sf5UbBMCSD ._2FKpII1jz0h6xCAw1kQAvS{height:32.5px;width:32.5px}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._1fCdbQCDv6tiX242k80-LO{border-width:4.5px;height:48px;width:75px}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._1fCdbQCDv6tiX242k80-LO ._2FKpII1jz0h6xCAw1kQAvS{height:39px;width:39px}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._2Jp5Pv4tgpAsTcnUzTsXgO{border-width:5.25px;height:56px;width:87.5px}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._2Jp5Pv4tgpAsTcnUzTsXgO ._2FKpII1jz0h6xCAw1kQAvS{height:45.5px;width:45.5px}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._1L5kUnhRYhUJ4TkMbOTKkI{-ms-flex-pack:end;justify-content:flex-end;background-color:var(--newCommunityTheme-active)}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._3clF3xRMqSWmoBQpXv8U5z{cursor:default}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._3clF3xRMqSWmoBQpXv8U5z ._2FKpII1jz0h6xCAw1kQAvS{box-shadow:none}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._1L5kUnhRYhUJ4TkMbOTKkI._3clF3xRMqSWmoBQpXv8U5z{background-color:var(--newCommunityTheme-buttonAlpha10)} When the police show up, they ask him what happened. Student: A drinking problem. What gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way? she demands. I figured that my picture had been taken for speeding, even though I knew I wasnt. "I'm not sure; I was born with them.". One was a pessimist and the other a total optimist. Submitted by Franklin P. Jones, One day my two children, 17-year-old Matt and 11-year-old Mitch, were having an argument. Jim nervously mimicked her. "What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? Dont you want to play with any of the toys?, Yes, the little boy bawled, but if I did Id only break them.. Submitted by Sai Gautam, Me: Im going to go skydiving for my 40th birthday. ", "It's thinly sliced cabbage. Check out our bestshort jokes! They have seemingly never tried to keep a dozen people quiet while planning a surprise party. Jennifer Wright, author, I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner. Im addicted to brake fluid, but I can stop whenever I want. Then they responded, confused, Excuse me, maam, but youre at Tim Hortons. Submitted by Wendy Singedonk. Im friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. Im coming to live with you.Submitted by Joan Vercueil, A couple of cockroaches are munching on the contents of a garbage can in a deserted alley. shein voucher code first order; russ rose salary penn state; bluestacks text not showing; wordle alternative game; what is marco scutaro doing now No pun in 10 did. Oddly enough it's feminists, One of the UK's smallest towns has an award-winning pub and England's oldest fishing society, 'How bad are the pics? 50 of the funniest Father Ted quotes Thesehilarious dog punswill give youpaws. ', The wife smiles, and says 'Thank you, that means a lot.'". You never know when you might kneed these jokes. When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper "You did this.". That evening, he decides to go out. Two monkeys were getting into the bath. I waited and stayed up all night and tried to figure out where the sun was. The young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. One day, I saw him reach for the glass of dandelion water and stopped him just before he drank from it. By having the last say, youre leaving them dumbfounded and not sure what to say in response. Whats the best thing about Switzerland? Spell elephant,' the older one said. Rub one ball and everything moves., 7. I used to be addicted to soap, but Im clean now. The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, Pull over!, No! the woman yelled back, Cardigan! Reddit.com, I quit my job working for Nike. You wont look cool if you show everyone just how happy you are with your efforts! You have 30 more years to live.. Submitted by Denise Stewart. When Im done, poof! You cheap bum! she yells. The point of being sarcastic is that its cool and effortless. Its all right for 10 minutes, then you start to feel sick. Andrew Lawrence, I bought my friend an elephant for his room. Green beans are the most Zen of all the vegetables because theyve found their inner peas. '", "Why did the old woman fall into the well? From the next room over, my dad yelled, Shes money laundering!Submitted by Shinae Hartley, A farmer sees a chicken strutting across a rural highway. 17. /*# sourceMappingURL=https://www.redditstatic.com/desktop2x/chunkCSS/TopicLinksContainer.3b33fc17a17cec1345d4_.css.map*/, A standard British one is "You couldn't organise a piss-up in a brewery.". His mother took up the cause and within minutes found the lens. Sharri82 5 yr. ago. Still, Id like you to mail me the results., A few days later, he received a postcard from the doctors office. Just received a card full of rice. Did You Know Anxiety Can Enhance Our Relationships? Can I join you? Why, am I falling apart? I replied. Via Getty Images/ Dalton Rasmussen / EyeEm. ", "Why do scuba divers fall backwards out of the boat? W hen you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! I cant, says the poodle. He looked me in the eyes and said, 'Son, how far do you think I can kick this bucket? 4 / 20. But I had to call you because Im in awe of his relationship with God. I think my friend is dead! he yells. Mr. Mom: How make chicken Daughter: What? It's stopped twerking. Dont miss this roundup of thefunniest one-liners on the Internet. Why? My computer's got the Miley virus. Do you think I look like them? He shook his head. Seeing that she is getting upset, Bill comments, Come on. Is it true, she wanted to know, that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life? Yes, Im afraid so, said the doctor. However, grizzly bears are extremely dangerous. So, as you can see, I said, Im doing a lot more than inflating at my desk. I got the raise. One looks over at the other and says: Hey, do you know how to drive this thing?. These wiseand often hilariousquotes from The Good Place can be applied to everyday life! These are the funniest lawyer jokes of all time. Ten years go by and its one monks first chance. Get the help you need from a therapist near youa FREE service from Psychology Today. After a brief, fruitless search, he gave up. A cloud of tension hangs over them, and one thing is clear: these two are not going to end the night in each others arms! Wow, this bed is big!. Why are you washing it? my brother asked, perplexed. Whats the matter? the psychiatrist asked. Well well wellif it isnt autocorrect. Weinstein, Last night I was walking home and took a shortcut through the cemetery. He said, I want you to trace someone for me. He was a tackling dummy. You know, says the crook, this is more than I wanted to spend. 'Submitted by John Langley. How far do you think I can kick this bucket. I turned to a man who had been waiting alongside me the whole time and said, Sir, how long have you been waiting?, He looked at his watch and said, Since last year. Misir Doobay, Toronto. How far do you think I can kick this bucket. Two whales walk into a bar. @dadsaysjokes, If I were Maria in The Sound of Music and I heard them sing How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria at my wedding, I would be like, Why are you singing that mean song about me, and why do all of you know it? Hes a catholic converter. Tim Vine. Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. I was always told it was piss in the boot. If you open a space up for me, I swear Ill give up the drink and go to mass every Sunday., Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines on an empty parking spot. Well, theyre not laughing now. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. You couldn't hit water if you fell out of a boat. The burial service for the elderly woman climaxed with a massive clap of thunder, followed by a bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder. 20 of the most absurdly funny quotes from Nathan Barley Thanks for the compliment [Read: 20 Smart medieval insults in English that should make a comeback], 48. I believe that God blessed that decision, and that is why I am a millionaire today. As he sat down, a woman shouted, I dare you to do it again.Submitted by Debra Miteff, A job applicant was asked, What would you consider to be your main strengths and weaknesses? Well, he began, my main weakness would definitely be my issues with realitytelling whats real from whats not. Okay, said the interviewer. He wasnt familiar with royal etiquette, so he decided to simply follow the Queens lead and hope for the best. Professor of Logic Merch: https://www.redbubble.com/people/robtzn/shop?asc=uFollow on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/sparkleforesst The older sister paused, then said, Spell mosquito. [Read: 60 creative insults to intellectually insult someone with sarcasm and leave everyone around laughing]. To get to the other side. The light goes off.. Good heavens, the first doctor said to the second, look at that poor crippled fellow., Yeah, answered the second doctor. When he touches it, a genie comes forth. Unfortunately, by that point, the opportunity is long gone. Have trouble making it to the punchline? My Grandmother's favorite saying was actually a song. First, lets make sure hes dead., Theres a silence, then a shot. Amazing! the man says. He immediately smells alcohol on the priests breath and notices an empty wine bottle in the car. The sign says its okay, replied the visitor. BEWARE OF DOG! Alexandra Solomon, Ph.D., is an assistant clinical professor in Northwestern Universitys Master of Science in Marriage and Family Therapy program. Exaggerations went up by a million percent last year. Mom: Avocado, After my wife accidentally swallowed my prostate medication, our daughter called a pharmacist to ask whether there was any cause for alarm. Im going back to living my fabulous life before you interrupted it to remind me that there are still assholes in this world., 20. "A thief broke into the police headquarters during the night and took all the toilets. Submitted by Fred Meckley, A man is recovering from a minor surgery when a nurse comes in to check on him. A labracadabrador. If you have ever been offended by someone with nothing but a gaping mouth and a figurative puff of smoke as a response, you know how tragic a lack of a comeback can feel. You said I had 30 more years to live, she complains. I looked at him, puzzled, and said, But, sir, its raining! He replied, Then take an umbrella and water the plants. Submitted by Nilesh Patel, At the local hospitals emergency room, the nurse joked, as she fitted me with an ID wristband, Youve been bar-coded! I, being 72, added, Long past the best-before date. Submitted by Colin Campbell, If you understand English, press 1. 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Im putting on my shoes!Anonymous. A car hit an elderly man. Maybe youll find a brain back there., 45. Cant you just tell me?Submitted by Dana Thayer. Check out more funny examples of irony in real life. 25 of the most cantankerous Martin Crane quotes from Frasier 50 of Terry Wogan and Graham Nortons most scathing Eurovision quotes Nurse: When? Create an account to follow your favorite communities and start taking part in conversations. Why are you doing that? asked the keeper. Breathe! The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. What are you drinking? he asks the guy. Smartass quotes. ' @woodyluvscoffee. So we stopped playing chess. Matt Kirshen. They planet. 73. Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car. I cant stand this. When the waiter brings him the meal, he asks if they are genuine. ", "I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him run faster. 71. 49 of Monty Pythons funniest jokes View a fight that stems from an ill-fated joke not as a reason to withdraw or get defensive but as a vehicle for intimacy. Diddly-squats. Should be fun, but it costs $500. Hes only got little legs. Peterson, she begins, would you say youre honest? Honest? replies the lawyer. Look officer, Im not being a smartass. But the right leg is way too short, argued the customer. I was involved in very organised crime. Milton Jones, I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper dicing with death. Tim Vine. 28 Star Wars jokes that will make you laugh (and cringe) Submitted by Faith Lackey, A: Breathe! Hes telling a dumb-blonde joke when a young platinum-haired beauty jumps to her feet. Mom: Where buy chicken Daughter: Mom, this isnt Google. Your secrets are always safe with me. Theyre making headlines. Whats the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing. More jokes: 31 Best Man speech jokes that will work for any wedding 28 Star Wars jokes that will make you laugh . What did the baby corn say to its mom? When I told him, he pointed out that I really had failed to organise a piss-up in a brewery. Later, they order an other round. But they were fully booked. When a daydreaming taxi driver accidentally drove past his destination, his passenger gently tapped him on the shoulder from the back seat. 15. Let me tell you something about honesty: My father lent me $85,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my first case. God says, No. A reliable jokenever fails to break the ice during social interactions, and goodness knowssome of us can use all the help we can get in those situations! As it happens, theres a village right over the hill where a butcher is called Murphy, the baker is named Murphy, and three widows are called Murphy. 41 of Bill Baileys most gleefully funny jokes and one-liners Its that love/hate thing that means you cant stand them on one hand, but you find them hilarious on the other. What did the left eye say to the right eye? Youre running around with another womanadmit it! she demanded. Have you popped into that new coffee shop across the street yet? asks one. After a few moments, Bill says, "Hurry up . My New Years resolution is to get in shape. Dont miss this collection of the best knock knock jokes for kids. I also wrote a novel and got a $50,000 advance from the publisher. Ill call you back when youre alone. Jim Pietsch in The New York City Cab Drivers Joke Book, If I pay $40 for a haunted house I better die. @hodgesboi15, Have children while your parents are young enough to take care of them. Rita Rudner, A mom texts, Hi! New to Amazon. He never lets me forget that. If you do not understand English, press 2. Recording on an Australian tax help line. Later that evening, he parked his pickup in front of Sarahs house and left it there all night. I want to provide you with some questions to invite reflection and conversation. Being broken up with. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? The blind man heads for the bathroom but accidentally enters the third door, which leads to the swimming pool, and he falls in. She was so ugly she could trick or treat over the telephone. He tips the kid and then brings the newspaper to me, along with my morning coffee. I know, says the second dog owner. Ugh! the student groaned. As my mate's best man, I tried to set up a brewery visit for his stag weekend. Thats Mums side.. But two weeks later, theres still no sign of the mutt. Sol has a patch over one eye, a hook for a hand, and a wooden peg leg. The blacksmith instructed the boy, When I take the shoe out of the fire, Ill lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.. Inside, he sees a harmless old hound asleep on the floor. I was browsing in the mens department at Neiman Marcus when a knitted black designer blazer caught my eye. A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads Talking Dog for Sale. Intrigued, he walks in.